18 Steps to a Long Happy Marriage
Looking back on almost 52 years of marriage, I see so many reasons why we are still happily together.
Our marriage had a rocky start. I didn’t get along with my future mother-in-law. She thought her daughter deserved a boyfriend who didn’t live in his car and hadn’t dropped out of college. So, she forbid her to see me.
We ran away from home in 1969, the day my wife graduated high school in Los Angeles. We lived on a friend’s porch in Venice, California, began practicing Nichiren Buddhism and were married three months later.
Most Beautiful One (not Trude’s real name) and I have always loved each other intensely. But at just eighteen and nineteen, we lacked the necessary communication skills couples need to survive. I struggled with depression and she struggled with me struggling with depression. Activities most people took for granted, like working an eight-hour day, were beyond my emotional grasp.
We also had a difficult time getting along. We took turns stopping by an older friend’s house to complain about each other. I thought she was too judgmental, and she was tired of me being so irresponsible. We definitely weren’t seeing the Buddha or enlightened nature in each other.
The advice he gave us was basically this:
as long as we blamed each other for our problems, we would never be happy.
He said that rather than facing each other, we should sit side by side looking forward as we chanted (substitute the spiritual practice of your choice) for our own growth and the happiness of others.
What followed has been a forty-nine-year journey to polish our enlightened natures, overcome numerous obstacles including serious illnesses and work consistently to improve our relationship. The result has been an absolutely wonderful life together.
Several years ago, we were asked to speak at our older daughter’s friend’s wedding ceremony at a stately old mansion in the western part of Virginia. It took us two weeks of reflection and dialogue to describe some of the lessons we’d learned about marriage in words that would be encouraging to the wedding guests.
1. Communicate . . . set aside a regular time to talk,
2. But be flexible and willing to listen regardless of the time.
3. Recognize and accommodate your different communication styles.
4. Don’t go to bed angry, even if it means losing sleep to discussion.
5. Give your relationship constant attention.
6. Enjoy the good times.
7. Realize life’s challenges will cause you to grow and deepen your bond.
8. Reach out to help others . . . it makes your own burdens seem lighter.
9. Love deeply and passionately.
10. Always keep your sense of humor.
11. Laugh together.
12. Celebrate each other’s strengths and don’t try to fix each other’s problems.
13. Reflect on your own weaknesses.
14. Respect each other.
15. Act with compassion when your spouse is struggling.
16. Spend quality time together.
17. Yet give each other space to develop as individuals . . . it will make the time you spend together more fulfilling.
18. Remember that spiritual growth is a key component of a happy, life-long marriage . . . all the money, recognition and status in the world won’t guarantee happiness.
One more thing…Most Beautiful One and I have spent many years working on improving our relationship. After we had our second daughter, someone pointed out to us that children learn much more about relationships from watching how their parents treat each other than from what parents tell them. So, we made a determination to try to behave in a manner that would set a good example for our girls. And I stopped trying to fix her problems!
As a result of these realizations, we’ve been able to turn our disagreements and challenges into growth in our relationship. The goal of our marriage, as we see it, is to become even closer to each other and to share this closeness with others. Our love and mutual respect and efforts for own human revolution and the happiness of others are the glue that helps us stick together.
Note: This article was adapted from my book, Romancing the Buddha, 3rd Edition.
