How the Cracks Get In
“There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” — lyrics by Leonard Cohen
For many decades, I’ve had the urge to clear my throat when on an important phone call or at an in-person (and now Zoom) meeting — which is pretty much all of them. Some years this annoying tic has disappeared only to eventually return. Since I don’t consciously feel nervous when speaking to individuals or groups, I’ve never been sure why I did it.
This led me to meet some interesting people while trying traditional medicine, speech therapy, cranial-sacral manipulation, breathing techniques, chiropractic adjustments, and many other modalities. The only recognizable improvement resulted from sucking on Werner’s Original sugar-free caramel hard candies. Who knew? Meanwhile our younger daughter, Scooter (not Jamie’s real name), insisted I cease and desist and accept that I wasn’t ever going to be perfect. Out of the mouths of forty-one-year-old babes!
Author Steve Goodier said, “Bring it up, make amends, forgive yourself. It sounds simple, but don’t think for a second that it is easy. Getting free from the tyranny of past mistakes can be hard work, but definitely worth the effort. And the payoff is health, wholeness and inner peace. In other words, you get your life back.”
I thought I’d processed and debunked the idea from early childhood that I was only deserving of love if I was perfect. However, on a cellular level there is obviously some residual guilt associated with previous selfish acts and poor word choices. Especially when someone else was hurt as a result. My throat feels like it’s the seat of that misconception. So, one of my New Year’s resolutions is to further let go of the past and to have more empathy in the present moment not just for others but for myself as well.
Our therapist, Kathleen (Kat’s real name), described a Japanese art form known as Kintsugi. This is a method of repairing cracked pottery by mending the broken areas with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. The underlying philosophy is that breakage and repair is part of the history of an object and need not be hidden. What a great metaphor for healing the metaphysical cracks that I still carry around. Which means my throat clearing is a thing of beauty — an indication of life’s imperfections and the importance of humility.
I recently read these words by Buddhist scholar, Daisaku Ikeda: “There is a saying that if you fall down seven times, get up an eighth. Don’t give up when you feel discouraged — just pick yourselves up and renew your determination each time.” (The Victorious Teen, p. 16).
This might be the hundred and eighth time I’m getting up with this specific problem but, cross my heart (and throat), I will stay the course.
